Good days and bad days...

Well, the positive side of me is grateful that I have actually had a pretty good couple of months. However, the past week or so I have felt a little crappy.  I have been pretty tired, I've had that pesky zinging down my spine again and I've had increased discomfort/numbness in my left hand.  I've had a hard time getting to sleep and staying asleep at night due to body achiness, (especially my legs), and I've woken up with some numbness in my right hand during the night on a couple of different occasions.  I don't know if it is just the change in the weather or what!

I ended up caving and calling my neurologist Tuesday afternoon.  I don't like to call her unless I've been feeling pretty bad for a few days because first of all, I don't want to be a pain in the butt patient who calls for every little thing, but also, I am terrified to be put back on steroids or have to go have another MRI or who knows what else done.  They were able to give me a Friday morning appointment which was perfect because I had already arranged to take Thursday off for Dee's birthday celebrations and Friday off to recover. :)

My biggest priority this week was to get through Dee's birthday yesterday with as much energy as I could possibly muster and as little health interruption as possible. It's become tradition that I take the day off work so we can have lunch together and then shop at City Creek.  I realized a couple of weeks ago that this is the first year she is working full time so we probably wouldn't be able to go so I didn't say anything, but then bless her heart she went ahead and arranged to take it off.  (I'm not sure if the time together is more of a present for her or for me, haha.)  We had the funnest day!! I was up at 6:30am to decorate the house and run and get balloons before she woke up.  We had a yummy lunch and made sure to hit up our regulars, Alex and Ani for birthday jewelry and H&M for birthday clothes. After she was all shopped out we met Mike Sr & Mike Jr for her birthday dinner at Rodizio, and then had cake at the house with the grandparents.  I was absolutely exhausted by the end of the day but it was TOTALLY worth it.  So much fun.

This morning it was back to reality.  I went in to see Dr Banks nice and early at 8:45am.  I appreciate so much the time she takes with me to really listen and find out what is going on.  I never feel rushed, she asks so many good questions and then gives me choices as to what our next steps can be.  She did say she wanted to do another MRI to see if there have been any changes so that is set up for Monday after work.  After our discussion and when given the choice, I elected to wait until after we got those results before starting any kind of medications.

I will admit that I do feel super anxious about the MRI, but I keep reminding myself that I have made it through two of them in the past and Dr. Banks gave me a prescription for a couple of Xanex to take right before going in.  At least it will be all over with in a few days and I should have some results back by the end of next week.  Waiting and the anticipation is definitely always the worst part.  Here's to hoping it's just the weather changes giving me grief. :)

Happy Birthday Sweet Dee...

Dee's original due date was the beginning of March.  Just like her brother she blessed me with carrying her for two extra weeks, so she was a good size baby weighing in at 9lbs, 2oz.  Although we lived in Silver Spring, Maryland where there was a major hospital just a couple of miles away, our insurance would only cover delivery at Shady Grove Hospital which was 20 miles away.  They scheduled us early in the morning to get induced, so we got to sit in DC metropolitan area rush hour traffic for well over an hour.  Good thing I wasn't in labor or she may have been born on the freeway! :)

Back in those days, (boy do I feel old for saying that), insurance only covered one night in the hospital, so I delivered just after 2pm on March 22nd and they were already preparing to discharge us well before noon on the morning of the 23rd.  I was absolutely terrified.  I was 21 years old, had gotten no sleep all night as they were so over full that I had been placed in a room in the pediatrics ward, and I had this new baby that was literally coughing up blood an hour before they kicked us out of the hospital.  However, despite all that, I remember sitting with her in the back seat on the way home and just feeling a sense of immense happiness.  I knew immediately that she was going to be a big blessing in our lives.

Dee had pretty bad colic for the first six months of her life so Mike and I took turns rocking her in the rocking chair for 1-2 hour increments while the other slept for a bit every night.  Honestly, it was a miracle we ever had another child after her.  She cried ALL.THE.TIME. but luckily, since she was our first, we didn't know any better and pretty much just thought that was normal.  (Thank goodness for lots of family love and support.)

If you don't know Dee, I sincerely feel sorry for you.  To know her is to know that your life is better because she is in it.  She has the most genuinely beautiful spirit and brings so much fun and laughter to those around her.  I've honestly never met anyone with so much compassion in their heart.  She's always doing things for others whether it's taking them out to get a Swig because they had a bad day, dropping them off treats, or making sure they have someone to sit with so they don't feel alone.  She is also one of the most forgiving people I know... almost to a fault.  (I've definitely wanted to punch a few of her less admirable acquaintances in the face on more than one occasion, but she is a MUCH better person than I am.)  She has a heart full of Christlike love.

Dee graduates in just a few weeks from the U of U and I couldn't be prouder of her.  She has made a lot of sacrifices the past few years working and going to school full time while trying to juggle her church assignments and social life.  She is a constant example to me of enduring trials with grace.  She is the kind of person who pushes through her toughest times by serving others with a smile on her face even when she is fighting battles that no-one knows about.  I love and admire her so much.  She makes me want to be a better person.

Happy Birthday sweet Dee.  I'm so blessed to have you in my life and I truly love you to pieces.

Getting to know MS & my immune system better...

We had the most amazing opportunity to attend another MS event put on by MS Lifelines tonight at the Cheesecake Factory in Downtown SLC.  They flew in Dr. Daniel S. Bandari who has been recognized as one of the top neurologists in the nation specializing in multiple sclerosis.  He is the Medical Director and Founder of the Multiple Sclerosis Center of California & Research Group located in Newport Beach, California.  He is also a Clinical Assistant Professor of Neurology and Neuro-immunology.  (You can read more about him here if you are interested:  MS Center of California.)

What a fantastic opportunity to be more deeply educated on the immune system and it's impact on MS.  We learned about what MS is and how the immune system protects our bodies and plays a distinct role in the development of MS.  We learned about different treatments and how they modify the immune system to limit the progression of disability in patients with relapsing MS.  We also learned about things we can embrace to live our best life possible while battling MS and some of the things to avoid.  It was incredibly enlightening.

No two cases of MS are alike, but there are some general things that Dr. Bandari has found help the majority of people with relapsing MS.  Mike took good notes:

• Diet:  Low fat, low carb, low sodium, high protein.
• Vitamins:  Take a multivitamin, vitamin D3, B-complex, and your omegas daily.
• DON'T take any extra immune system building vitamins like vitamin C.  These are bad for MS.  
• Exercise:  He said if you do everything else and don't exercise you may as well have done nothing.

I was deeply encouraged by Dr. Bandari's advice.  We have been trying to eat low fat, low carb, and high protein during the week since the beginning of the year.  I drink a protein shake for breakfast, have fruits and veggies for a snack, a healthy choice meal for lunch, another protein shake on the way home and then a sensible dinner.  I have told Mike over and over that I feel wonderful when we eat that way and I get through a pretty strenuous work week with few issues.  The interesting thing is that we allow ourselves "treats" over the weekend, and I never feel quite so great on the weekends!  Granted, some of that is because I'm exhausted from the week, but I do think what I eat has a direct bearing on my feeling of well-being.

I already take a multivitamin with D3 & B-complex as well as flax seed daily and know that the days I accidentally miss those I have a lot less energy.  I didn't know that I should stay away from taking extra immune system building vitamins outside of my multivitamin so I will definitely keep that in mind going forward.

Exercise has become a habitual part of my day since the beginning of the year, (riding my recumbent bike), and I have genuinely started to love it.  I did 11 miles in just over 40 minutes the other day, which was a record for me, and I feel so much stronger!  I feel so good when I exercise, and it improves my mood substantially.  Listening to Dr. Bandari talk about all these things encouraged me to keep pressing forward.

One of the benefits of going to these programs is also to meet other people with MS.  I still struggle with being social at these events, so I always pick a table where there is no-one else sitting when we first get there.  Tonight we happened to pick the table that the MS Lifelines Ambassador, Dr. Bandari and one of the program organizers sat at.  

When the program was over and we were eating dinner, the MS Lifelines Ambassador, Ted K., started talking to Mike and I.  He has had MS for over 20 years and goes to events like these to tell his story and give encouragement to people living with relapsing MS.  He was such a sweet man and very personable.  He took a genuine interest in our story and our struggles.  He sat and talked to us for over 30 minutes and gave us some wonderful advice... the biggest piece being to put the shot under one of our arms for a few minutes before I get it.  He said bringing it to body temperature helped it not sting quite so much.  The shots have been pretty painful for me, so I was eager to try this.  I happened to have one scheduled for this evening, and lo and behold, after Mike warmed it up under his arm for a couple of minutes, I barely felt it!  We will try this again on Friday for SURE!

Ted was a hoot.  He spoke right before Dr. Bandari and told us that his best piece of medical advice, (as he is not a Dr.), was to never take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time. 😂😂😂 I was so grateful for this compassionate man who took the time to talk to us and empathize and share with us.  One of the blessings of MS has been the truly wonderful people I have had the opportunity to meet.  I only hope one day I can be such a blessing to others.

Dr. Bandari gave us a few websites that he recommended we get our information from.  He reminded us that there is lots of bad information out there on the web, but these websites are reputable:

NMSS – http://www.nationalmssociety.org
MSAA (Multiple Sclerosis Association of America) – http://www.mymsaa.org
MSF (Multiple Sclerosis Foundation) – http://www.msfocus.org
CMSC – http://www.mscare.org

Thanks MS Lifelines for another amazing evening. :)

A new challenge...

One of my biggest frustrations so far has been the numbness I have in my left hand.  You know when you sleep on your arm wrong and you wake up and your hand is kind of numb?  Usually you can just shake it and the feeling comes back, but imagine that it stays like that all the time.  That’s how my left hand and half way up my arm feels all day, every day.  It's most certainly not a fun sensation, believe me. However, the bigger frustration comes not from the sensation itself, but from the strain it puts on my piano playing.  I can tell a definite difference when trying to play with my left hand… one that is probably not noticeable if I’m playing something simple like hymns, but one that I can unquestionably feel when I’m trying to do runs in the more difficult pieces I like to try and learn.  I guess I can’t feel the keys as well and my fingers feel like they are stumbling over themselves.

When it first happened earlier last year, I was completely devastated to the point where I didn’t play the piano for several weeks.  If you know me you know I usually play pretty much every day for at least an hour, so this had a significant impact on my mood and my emotional well-being.  However, after a few weeks I realized that I wasn’t doing myself any good by just giving up.  I remember sitting down that first time after my little “break” and fumbling through one of my favorite pieces and thinking, “this is bull crap. I have practiced way too much to have to deal with this now.”  But the more I played I found I was able to make a couple of adjustments that helped and in the end I just resigned myself to having to practice more.  One of the things that I found that helps is watching my left hand a little more.  I’m not used to looking down at my hands, especially not the left hand… but I found that when I looked at the keys my fingers would find them a little easier and not stumble quite as much.

At the end of the day I am thankful that it’s my left hand and not my right so far.  The left always has the easier parts to play, so it certainly could be worse.  At this point I’m at peace with the fact that it may take me longer to learn pieces than it might have two years ago.  I’m still a little self-conscious about it even to the point where I tend to practice more while no-one is home when I’m learning a new piece.

This past Christmas I was tickled that I got music as gifts from three different people.  (I have a hunch they all think I needed the encouragement to practice.)  My hubby picked me up one of the Piano Guys books, Dee got me the “Pirates of The Caribbean At Worlds End” piano book and my mom bought me a Marshall McDonald hymn arrangement book as well as HER favorite version of my favorite piece to play on the piano, the Pirates Of The Caribbean theme song.  However, her favorite version is MUUUUUUUCHHHHHHH harder than the version I currently play.  

I have to say that when I first saw this piece of music and sat down for the first run through I felt like I was a 5-year-old playing the piano for the very first time.  I literally thought… "I am never, ever going to be able to play this.  What was this woman thinking???".  However, 15+ hours of practice later I am beginning to think it may be a possibility… maybe for next Christmas... at half speed... if I practice every day till then, ha ha. :)

Honestly, it may never sound amazing, but I am having a LOT of fun trying to learn it and it's giving me a good challenge to focus on.  I feel like my life is pretty much all about that right now... meeting different challenges... and either I can meet them head on or I can give up.  For right now, while I still can, I choose to meet them.  I'll keep you updated on how this one goes!

This is me...

I have been seriously obsessed with "The Greatest Showman" since it came out.  I've seen it three times already in the theater and it's literally the only music I currently listen to.  I subscribe to Amazon music so that I can listen to it in the car, at work, on my echo or any of our five dots around the house. :)  (Yep, I'm listening to it right now!)  The music and the messages in the movie are so inspiring to me.

My favorite song, (although it is SOOOOOO hard to even say that because I love them all), is "This Is Me."  I was telling Dee last night that it pounds at my heart in a way that makes me feel like it's my own personal anthem!!  She laughed at me and told me I was not an ugly outcast that people make constant fun of.  OK, I'm definitely not inferring that I have it like those sweet circus performers, but I do have my own "broken parts" and "scars".  Don't we all in one way or another?

MS can make me doubt my worth sometimes.  It fires bullets at me, tries to break me down to dust, can make me want to hide away and sometimes even makes me feel ashamed or unlovable.  I have my days that I feel bruised, but I can also be brave!  The song literally inspires me to believe that I can drown this out, keep marching on, burst through barricades and reach for the sun... When I hear "we are warriors", I think of every person out there fighting this stupid disease.  I AM a warrior and I don't need to make apologies or be afraid to be seen for who I am.  I am still glorious.  I am who I'm meant to be.  This.Is.Me.

See?  Totally my own personal anthem.  Now I just need to learn that killer dance routine. ;)

Finding balance...

MS LifeLines has been one of the most wonderful blessings for me.  It is an educational support service for people living with MS and their families.  The group is sponsored by EMD Serono who are the manufacturers of the medication I am on, Rebif, and the amount of resources and support they have provided for me have been incredibly invaluable.

Not only do they send the most lovely nurse out to my home monthly to help educate me and check on how I'm doing, but pretty much every month they do a “C.H.A.T,” ( that stands for Connecting, Helping, Aspiring, Teaching about MS), which is an educational program they hold at a very nice restaurant where Mike and I can go to have an amazing lunch, listen to a program that teaches us how to deal with different aspects of MS, participate in a discussion with an MS Lifelines Nurse and get to know other people in the area with MS.

This month the C.H.A.T. was at the Harvest Restaurant in Thanksgiving Point and it was called “Finding your balance with MS – Tips for finding your balance and creating your new normal when living with relapsing MS.”  Brandee, the sweet, amazing nurse that visits me each month, was the one presenting.  She always does a fantastic job.    

The first thing she did was to have us all introduce ourselves with our partners and share when we were diagnosed.  So far at all of these chats, I have been the one most recently diagnosed and I can’t tell you what a support and inspiration it has been to hear other people’s stories and hear how they cope and what things they are doing to help themselves.  The first one I went to was soooooo hard for me, but I absolutely love going to them now and hope one day I can provide the kind of support I have received from all the beautiful people there for other people who are newly diagnosed.

For the presentation this month Brandee covered four areas:  How to manage change, a symptom focus of walking difficulties, the importance of positive thinking and healthy habits. 

For the discussion on managing change, she talked about keeping an open mind and being flexible.  She asked us to share some of the changes we had made since our diagnosis.  I learned very quickly after my diagnosis that making small adjustments as needed is the best way to cope.  I have changed my eating habits so that during the week I eat super healthy… lots of chicken, beans, fruit & veggies, yogurt and protein shakes.  Then on the weekend I let myself have a couple of treats.  I have also incorporated riding the bike for a minimum of 30 minutes a day.  I have felt AMAZING since making those changes (and dropped 17 pounds.)  I also spend some time reading each day to clear my head.  I work 6:30am to around 3pm every day and then come home and lay down for about 30 minutes because if I do that I know I’ll be better for the evening for my family.  These are just little examples of changes that you make to cope better.

I have not had many walking difficulties other than some slight balance issues, (like if I look up and over too quickly), and heavy legs on very few occasions.  However, I still listened closely in case it is an issue I have later in life.  She talked about avoiding high heels and watching out for rugs and clutter in the home as well as letting our doctor know if we start having any new walking difficulties. I actually hold Mike’s hand everywhere we go not only because I love him so much but because it also helps keep me in balance and stops me from tripping over things, ha ha.  

I have always been very aware of the importance of positive thinking.  I liked that Brandee reminded us that MS is a part of us, but does not DEFINE us.  She also talked about trying to find the humor in situations, and this is something Mike and I do a LOT.  I always make jokes about it for my family so they can know it’s ok to talk lightly about it.  She also talked about depression and making sure we talked to someone… that counselling was an important part of dealing with MS.  Overall I think I do a pretty good job with trying to be positive.  Every day I literally tell myself I have a choice, roll over and give up, or get up and fight to have a good day.  I always choose to get up and do all I can to have a wonderful life and I make that choice for my family. 

Lastly, we discussed healthy habits.  I feel like Mike and I have really made some positive changes in this area this year and we are feeling so much better for it.  It was funny that they specifically mentioned Tai Chi in the presentation because Mike is working on getting certified to teach Tai Chi.  He practices every day and he is signed up for a seminar in June where he will receive his certification to teach it to the elderly people he works with in the nursing facilities.  However, he has said for the past few months that the main reason he wants to learn it is to do it with me to improve my balance, so it made me giggle when we read that and he looked at me with a “see, I told you” face.

It was such a wonderful couple of hours.  I truly love these events and I love that they open them to ANYONE with MS whether they are on Rebif or not and they are completely FREE.  You can find more details at https://www.mslifelines.com/ms-lifelines-live-events.  They apparently have events all over the country!  That kind of support system has made SUCH a difference to me.

A good month...

I'm not a big "New Years Resolution" person, but this year I wanted to make some changes in my life to help make me physically AND spiritually stronger so I started by setting two challenges for myself in January.  One was to ride 7 miles a day on the recumbent bike I treated myself to in December, and the other was to join my hubby and the young men in our ward in reading the entire Book of Mormon in 30 days.  Both of these were significant time commitments, but I felt like they were worthwhile "goals" and that both would help me feel "better" in different ways.

I only missed riding the bike two days total during the entire month, (other than Sundays which I gave myself weekly as my "day of rest"), and those were two days that I was sincerely NOT feeling well at all.  January 1st I was only riding the bike on level 1 and I will admit freely that it pained me to finish the 7 miles, but by the end of the month I was easily able to complete my miles on level 3 in less than 30 minutes!  I also started lifting 5lb weights for about 15 minutes three times a week and doing a plank on those days too.  My first plank day I made it about 15 seconds before collapsing, haha.  It was terrible!  But by the end of the month I had graduated to 8lb weights and could hold my plank for over a minute.  I can honestly say that after just one month, I feel physically stronger than I have in forever and it feels wonderful.

Reading the Book of Mormon took much more time daily than I thought it would initially.  I'm usually a pretty fast reader, but it took me about 45 minutes a day to get through the reading.  I have never read the Book of Mormon this quickly, (and I don't know that I will do it again any time soon), but reading it like a novel was a brilliant experience that I would recommend doing at least once in your life.  Reading it this way brought the characters to life in a whole new way for me and helped me understand and love the relationships in the book better.  

This week I actually finished reading the Book of Mormon and I just had to share and document what a tremendous blessing both of these things have been in my life this month.  I honestly have not felt this "well" physically, spiritually AND mentally in well over two years.  

Just because the month is now over, I'm not giving up on these goals.  The chart is already up on the refrigerator for February.  I'm doing the Book of Mormon in 90 days next which will seem like a piece of cake after the 30 days, but will give me more time to ponder.  It will also be fun to see where I am physically at the end of February.  One thing I learned from my two days of missing the bike is that it's absolutely OK if you have a bad day or two.  Just don't give up!  Get up and get going again as soon as you can.  I'll take two bad days over thirty any time.   I may never be able to "master the rest of my life."  MS is unpredictable and it's hard to know what will happen to my body over the next 30 years, but I can master each day and be ok with that.  

Again, I'm grateful for my hubby who exercises and reads along side me every day.  Having someone to share accomplishing these goals with helps motivate me big time.  Here's hoping for a good February!

A family field trip...

This past weekend was kind of crappy.  Saturday morning we woke up to news that our neighborhood was on lockdown due to a shooting and that the suspect was still at large.  Over the course of the day we learned that a police officer had noticed footprints in the snow tracking from car to car in the apartments around the corner from us and when he found the man those tracks belonged to, the man had drawn a gun on the officer and started shooting.  (Thankfully the officer was not hurt.)  The man then jumped a fence in to the cluster homes next to our neighborhood, broke in to a house, shot the home owner in the chest and stole one of their families cars.  He had then driven up in to my parents neighborhood where he had crashed the car and taken off by foot.

This all happened very early in the morning... around 6am.  By 1pm they had still not found the man, but they released the lockdown on our part of the neighborhood.  However, knowing the man was still on the loose, I was not happy with the thought of anyone leaving our home.  My kids are older, 23 and 21, but I still wanted them to stay home until they found the guy!  I have never ever wanted a gun in my house, but I have to admit, I really wished we had one that day.  I would have felt a lot safer.

So Tuesday of this week, with the suspect STILL on the loose, we took our first family field trip to the gun range.  I wasn't ready to shoot personally, I have never even touched a gun, but I watched as my hubby and kids tried different guns and practiced shooting targets.

As I was watching them I thought a lot about fear.  I personally have lots of fears.  I have fears of bad things happening, a fear of evil people, (thanks Criminal Minds), a fear of losing someone close to me, a fear of some kinds of bugs or insects, a fear of what my future looks like, a fear of the unknown... the list goes on and on... but I have to stop and put my fears in perspective sometimes.  Fear literally has the ability to stop us from living the life we want to live if we let it, but it is ultimately based on our estimate of what MIGHT or COULD happen.  I don't think there is a magical way to wipe out fear completely.  We are always going to have things we are afraid of... it's a very human characteristic.  However, it is how we deal with those fears that will ultimately determine the type of life we live.  

So, how do you deal with fear?

(By the way, they caught the guy the next afternoon.  I'm not going to lie, it was a big relief.)

Happy New Year

I love the start of a new year because it feels like a clean slate in a way.  This past year was obviously a more challenging one for our family as I was diagnosed with MS in June... not the end of the world, but definitely a bit of a game changer for us.  Luckily I have been blessed with the best, most supportive hubby, kids and parents that a girl could ask for.

I'm also grateful for the amount of patience and love that has been shown to me and my family as we have tried to figure out treatment and learn to adjust.  I know that sometimes I may have come across as rude, grumpy, emotionally unstable, lazy or unwilling to help with little to no explanation.  Thank you to all those who have been kind or loved me anyway.

This upcoming year my focus will simply be to try and do things that make me a better and stronger wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend and coworker.  I've definitely learned that it's our family and friends that are our most valuable assets... not money or things... and I'm blessed with some pretty wonderful people around me who inspire me and motivate me to keep trying harder.  

Wishing you ALL a very Happy New Year! 💙

Merry Christmas!

Well all in all, Christmas was a big success this year.  We spent Christmas Eve at our house playing games with Mum and Dad, Lois and the kids.  For the first year ever, I bought our family matching PJ's so we could do corny pictures together.  We did Christmas Day at Mum & Dads with the Santizo's and Lois and we had the most amazing feast.  Family, food, fun.  Life doesn't get any better.  This whole season was about prioritizing the most important things for the family and keeping it as simple as possible so that I could enjoy my time with them.  In the end, it turned out to be one of my favorite Christmases ever.  Merry Christmas from the Collins Fam! :)

A moment of despair...

Last night was a bit of a tough night for me.  I don't think that my life is terrible... I know there are people that have it a thousand time worse than me, but I think it's important to share some of these feelings sometimes so that if there is someone else struggling that happens to come across this blog that feels the same way, they know they are not alone.

This week I've been feeling the pressure of not being ready for Christmas.  It's been overwhelming for me to be at work all day and then be so exhausted by the time I come home that I can't get everything done that I want to.  Add in the pretty intense physical pain that the snow and cold has increased in my body the past few days and it can turn in to a little bit of a downhill spiral quite quickly.

Yesterday after work I found myself pretty discouraged... here it was Friday afternoon, Christmas just three days away, and I didn't have all the gifts purchased, I needed to grocery shop still and not one thing was wrapped.  I had been up since 5am, worked a full day at the office, my body was achy, my head was feeling like there was a knife sticking out of my temple, I was completely exhausted and to make things crazier, we had tickets to Desert Star for their holiday show at 6pm.  All I could think of was... I ain't got time for that!

I stopped at Deseret Book on my way home to see if I could get some inspiration for a couple of people that I have particularly struggled to shop for.  Just pulling in to the parking lot stressed me out.  I've never seen that store with so many people in it!  I was there for just a few minutes before I walked out and drove home, determined that I couldn't face it alone and that I needed Mike to go with me for moral support to do any gift shopping.

As I started cleaning up a few things around the house, the guilt was piling up on me.  How could I leave all this for Mike to do with me when he was still working and I still had a few more hours before he got home?  I decided I would at least try and drag myself to the grocery store so that one thing could be knocked off the weekend to-do list.  I went to the Neighborhood Walmart across the street that doesn't sell anything but groceries, so it wasn't overly packed like every other store in the world.  While I was there I even picked up a few gift cards thinking that could relieve some of the gift buying later.  Overall, that little excursion went pretty decently, but I still felt even more drained.

When Mike got home we literally had to rush out the door immediately to get to the Desert Star for the show.  Luckily it's a dinner theater so we were able to knock out eating at the same time.  I have to say, the show was pretty awful!  We have loved being season ticket holders there this year, but the last two shows have been really disappointing.  The one saving grace of the evening was that we were there with good friends and we got to eat together.  However, by the time we left, we both couldn't help feeling frustrated that we had so much to do and had spent two precious hours watching something so bad.  We found ourselves snapping at each other as we headed over to Best Buy for a pickup and then to Walmart to get the last of the wrapping supplies we needed for the weekend.

Thankfully we recognized pretty quickly what was happening and both took a few deep breaths... it was 9pm and we were tired.  We mentally regrouped and finished out the shopping holding hands for good measure.  Thank heavens for the self checkout line!  The other lines all had at least 10 people with huge, overladen carts in them, and though there were at least 10-15 people in front of us in the self check line, there were 8 registers and it moved SUPER quick.

With conscious effort we were able to cheer up and salvage the rest of the evening together and we got home in one piece.  We decided that it would be better to wait on the wrapping until tomorrow and just relax and watch a Christmas movie together instead.  However, when it came time to finally go to sleep, my brain started churning.  That happens sometimes.  I lay there thinking over things and I get a bit discouraged or depressed.  In fact, when I'm THAT overtired I will admit that it's not unusual for me to start thinking about how much I suck as a wife and mother and how much better off my family would be with a real mom who doesn't have all these issues and can handle life.  I work myself up in to a blubbering frenzy with feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness.  Luckily I have the best hubby who always seems to know when something is wrong, even when I'm turned over in the dark and trying to quietly hold my breath to stop myself from sobbing out loud.  He always takes the time to love me, no matter how tired he is, and I always manage to fall asleep more quickly snuggling in to him.

I do have moments of despair sometimes... but they almost always sneak in during the times that I am way overtired and have tried to do too much.  A big part of dealing with MS is trying to plan ahead, pacing yourself and listening to your body when it's telling you to stop and sit down or take it easy.  It's hard because you can feel like you are being lazy or letting people down when you can't do everything, but I am finding that it really is the only way to cope and stay sane.  If you want to have less bad days...