Ok, I'm not afraid to admit that the last few weeks have kind of sucked.
My shot dose increased from 20% to 50% the beginning of August. The physical shot itself felt exactly the same as the smaller dose and I still only had to hold it in there for the ten seconds, but after a few days, I was actually feeling noticeably crappy emotionally.
The second week of the 50% dose I tried making a conscious effort to do things to improve my mood. I started reading a bit more to try and take my mind off of things when I was home alone. I snuggled with the hubby more, completed little projects around the house like cleaning out the garage and sorting cupboards or going through storage boxes. Sometimes if I was feeling super crappy I just plain took a nap, but I was still crying randomly over stupid, unimportant stuff and feeling a little more impatient with people than I normally do.
Last week it was time to move on to the full dose and I wasn't ready for those changes. After the first one I felt so awful all night, (achy, sick, like I had the flu), that I probably slept a total of one hour before trying to get up and then admitting I couldn't make it in to work. I feel like those kinds of side affects have subsided more and more each time I get the shot, thankfully. (I've made it in to work every other morning after.) However, the physical shots feel like there is a lot more spring behind them and I am bruising quite frequently where I inject them. Most of all, I'm struggling with honestly feeling in a word, sad. (I have been on depression medication for several years and haven't struggled like this in a VERY long time.)
The most exhausting thing for me at this point in time is literally putting on a smile. I told my hubby over the weekend that I am so sorry that he gets the crappiest part of me right now. It is probably because he is one of the very few people I feel I can totally be myself around, because I know he knows every single thing I'm going through and I trust him to be able to see the worst and love me anyway.
While I've been going through these medication challenges I have sometimes spent my whole day making every attempt to look normal, smile and be happy. By the time I come home I am completely exhausted from the effort and I sometimes just plain crumble. I've honestly told more and more people about this diagnosis just out of desperation of being able to say "You know what? No, I'm not feeling that good today, but it's not contagious, and I'm going to be just fine. I'm just trying to adjust."
The good news is I have confidence it will get better. The side affects I'm dealing with are hopefully more temporary than permanent. Thank heavens for pinterest and all the amazing quotes I can find in a pinch to cheer me up when I'm feeling down. I also have the most amazing friend who makes the most beautiful things for my home that remind me to keep positive and think of my blessings. (And yes, she has an etsy shop and will do custom quotes... you can check her out at www.etsy.com/shop/
At the end of the day, I am truly blessed with the most incredible people in my life. My hubby, my kids, my mum and dad, other sweet family members and a handful of very special friends and coworkers who lift me up and make me laugh when I need it. For that I am so grateful. I know I can get through the crappy times because I'm not alone in this, and that actually is what makes all the difference.
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