Merry Christmas!

Well all in all, Christmas was a big success this year.  We spent Christmas Eve at our house playing games with Mum and Dad, Lois and the kids.  For the first year ever, I bought our family matching PJ's so we could do corny pictures together.  We did Christmas Day at Mum & Dads with the Santizo's and Lois and we had the most amazing feast.  Family, food, fun.  Life doesn't get any better.  This whole season was about prioritizing the most important things for the family and keeping it as simple as possible so that I could enjoy my time with them.  In the end, it turned out to be one of my favorite Christmases ever.  Merry Christmas from the Collins Fam! :)

A moment of despair...

Last night was a bit of a tough night for me.  I don't think that my life is terrible... I know there are people that have it a thousand time worse than me, but I think it's important to share some of these feelings sometimes so that if there is someone else struggling that happens to come across this blog that feels the same way, they know they are not alone.

This week I've been feeling the pressure of not being ready for Christmas.  It's been overwhelming for me to be at work all day and then be so exhausted by the time I come home that I can't get everything done that I want to.  Add in the pretty intense physical pain that the snow and cold has increased in my body the past few days and it can turn in to a little bit of a downhill spiral quite quickly.

Yesterday after work I found myself pretty discouraged... here it was Friday afternoon, Christmas just three days away, and I didn't have all the gifts purchased, I needed to grocery shop still and not one thing was wrapped.  I had been up since 5am, worked a full day at the office, my body was achy, my head was feeling like there was a knife sticking out of my temple, I was completely exhausted and to make things crazier, we had tickets to Desert Star for their holiday show at 6pm.  All I could think of was... I ain't got time for that!

I stopped at Deseret Book on my way home to see if I could get some inspiration for a couple of people that I have particularly struggled to shop for.  Just pulling in to the parking lot stressed me out.  I've never seen that store with so many people in it!  I was there for just a few minutes before I walked out and drove home, determined that I couldn't face it alone and that I needed Mike to go with me for moral support to do any gift shopping.

As I started cleaning up a few things around the house, the guilt was piling up on me.  How could I leave all this for Mike to do with me when he was still working and I still had a few more hours before he got home?  I decided I would at least try and drag myself to the grocery store so that one thing could be knocked off the weekend to-do list.  I went to the Neighborhood Walmart across the street that doesn't sell anything but groceries, so it wasn't overly packed like every other store in the world.  While I was there I even picked up a few gift cards thinking that could relieve some of the gift buying later.  Overall, that little excursion went pretty decently, but I still felt even more drained.

When Mike got home we literally had to rush out the door immediately to get to the Desert Star for the show.  Luckily it's a dinner theater so we were able to knock out eating at the same time.  I have to say, the show was pretty awful!  We have loved being season ticket holders there this year, but the last two shows have been really disappointing.  The one saving grace of the evening was that we were there with good friends and we got to eat together.  However, by the time we left, we both couldn't help feeling frustrated that we had so much to do and had spent two precious hours watching something so bad.  We found ourselves snapping at each other as we headed over to Best Buy for a pickup and then to Walmart to get the last of the wrapping supplies we needed for the weekend.

Thankfully we recognized pretty quickly what was happening and both took a few deep breaths... it was 9pm and we were tired.  We mentally regrouped and finished out the shopping holding hands for good measure.  Thank heavens for the self checkout line!  The other lines all had at least 10 people with huge, overladen carts in them, and though there were at least 10-15 people in front of us in the self check line, there were 8 registers and it moved SUPER quick.

With conscious effort we were able to cheer up and salvage the rest of the evening together and we got home in one piece.  We decided that it would be better to wait on the wrapping until tomorrow and just relax and watch a Christmas movie together instead.  However, when it came time to finally go to sleep, my brain started churning.  That happens sometimes.  I lay there thinking over things and I get a bit discouraged or depressed.  In fact, when I'm THAT overtired I will admit that it's not unusual for me to start thinking about how much I suck as a wife and mother and how much better off my family would be with a real mom who doesn't have all these issues and can handle life.  I work myself up in to a blubbering frenzy with feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness.  Luckily I have the best hubby who always seems to know when something is wrong, even when I'm turned over in the dark and trying to quietly hold my breath to stop myself from sobbing out loud.  He always takes the time to love me, no matter how tired he is, and I always manage to fall asleep more quickly snuggling in to him.

I do have moments of despair sometimes... but they almost always sneak in during the times that I am way overtired and have tried to do too much.  A big part of dealing with MS is trying to plan ahead, pacing yourself and listening to your body when it's telling you to stop and sit down or take it easy.  It's hard because you can feel like you are being lazy or letting people down when you can't do everything, but I am finding that it really is the only way to cope and stay sane.  If you want to have less bad days...

My new little friend...

Say hello to my new friend.  I have been trying to think of some kind of exercise that I could feel motivated to do, even when I'm tired.  When we were in Hawaii I went down to the gym with Mike one morning and tried out one of these and loved it.  This little guy sits right next to my bed, facing the TV.  We have an entire exercise room in the spare room above the garage with a big weight machine, a treadmill and an elliptical, but sadly, I can't always find the motivation to walk up the stairs... pathetic? Yes.  But it's the truth.

This is definitely not the most beautiful bedroom decoration, but it's a constant reminder that I have no excuse not to get off my butt.  Even if I'm feeling so tired, I can literally crawl three feet to set myself on it and ride for 30 minutes watching food network or some other mindless television program that helps pass the time quickly.  I've had it for a couple of weeks now, and I quite enjoy my time on it... plus I don't feel guilty for not doing any exercise and I feel mentally better about doing SOMETHING to try and improve my health. 

Once the holidays are over, I will make sure it is a DAILY thing, rather than the spotty every other day thing that I've been doing while we have so many holiday events going on.  I have a helpful rule in place that I can't hang anything on it or put anything on the seat.  We will see how it goes I guess!  I'll report back the end of January. :)

Buckeye Tradition Fail...

I didn't think I was going to get any of these done this year, but Saturday morning I decided to have an impromptu baking session.  I don't know why I felt like I needed to... I think that this simply has been a tradition for me for over ten years now and as tired as I am, I selfishly refuse to let MS win and strip me of these kinds of traditions if I can help it.  This, (and rocky road fudge), is what I normally make for our family and friends, and though they may not know it, it's a labor of time and love.

This year I didn't make as many as I usually do, and I split the rolling balls and dipping in to two days to try and ease up the work.  I had purchased a new candy dipping tool off of Amazon just for this occasion and I will say, that made the dipping part quite a bit less stressful than it's been in previous years.  The fork and the prong worked the best, (I wasn't impressed with the loop thing), but by the time I was done dipping the first tray I was pretty grumpy, pretty sore, and just wanted the experience to be over.  I had to sit down every five minutes because my back and legs were throbbing and honestly, they didn't look nearly as beautiful as they normally do either because I was rushing just trying to finish.  At the end of the day, this may be the last time I attempt these... at least in this quantity.  If the tradition survives to make it to next year, it may well be a family only tradition.

Mike Sr and Dee helped me box up 40 little packages of buckeyes and fudge and put the tags and snowflake ornaments on them, then we put them all in the refrigerator in the garage to deliver the next day because by the time we had finished all that, I was absolutely whacked.

So it ended up a three day fiasco to make and take these little treats to the neighbors... and I think they would have probably rather have had something I picked up from the store anyway, haha.  So I've told my family to remind me to read this depressing post next year if I even contemplate suggesting that we do this again.  I suppose sadly, in this case, MS won.

Temple Square...

I don't expect a lot of family activities any more due to the fact that the kids are older and really have their own lives, but it was truly wonderful to get to go downtown as a family this year.  The cold causes that pesky zinging down my spine, (Lhermittes's sign), so I have to dress as warm as I can, but the zinging was totally worth it to be with these guys and have some laughs.

We had dinner at the Nauvoo Cafe in the Joseph Smith Building... they do the BEST turkey pot pie... and then walked around all the lights snapping pictures.  Time with them is absolutely the best Christmas present for me. 💕

Deck the halls...

This year decorating was a little different than it has been in the past... I was not able to get everything up in one day for the first time ever, but that is OK!  Life is all about adjusting now.  Thursday night the kids arranged to be home to decorate the big tree.  (I had always wanted a really tall tree and last year hubby obliged me with a 12 footer.)  I will admit that I wasn't feeling so great that night, so I pretty much sat and handed ornaments to the family who got them all up on the tree for me, but it was a lovely evening of decorating and watching the Cowboys/Redskins football game. 

Friday I wasn't up to doing more decorating, so the rest of it had to wait until Saturday when I had more energy.  I have always wanted a non traditionally colored Christmas room, (in addition to the traditional room with the red, gold and green, not instead)... well, this year we did it!  I am absolutely obsessed with everything aqua right now, so it was only fitting that the front room was decorated in that color.  I am seriously in loooooooooooooooove with this room.  

I've also always wanted a small tree in the front window that you could catch a glimpse of from outside... so this made me happy on so many levels. :)

Shout out to the hubby for the assist!  Bless him for helping me do all of this on his one day off.  On another note, Miles loves to sit and stare at the Christmas lights on the tree... It's the cutest thing. 

It's starting to feel festive around here!