This week I've been feeling the pressure of not being ready for Christmas. It's been overwhelming for me to be at work all day and then be so exhausted by the time I come home that I can't get everything done that I want to. Add in the pretty intense physical pain that the snow and cold has increased in my body the past few days and it can turn in to a little bit of a downhill spiral quite quickly.
Yesterday after work I found myself pretty discouraged... here it was Friday afternoon, Christmas just three days away, and I didn't have all the gifts purchased, I needed to grocery shop still and not one thing was wrapped. I had been up since 5am, worked a full day at the office, my body was achy, my head was feeling like there was a knife sticking out of my temple, I was completely exhausted and to make things crazier, we had tickets to Desert Star for their holiday show at 6pm. All I could think of was... I ain't got time for that!
I stopped at Deseret Book on my way home to see if I could get some inspiration for a couple of people that I have particularly struggled to shop for. Just pulling in to the parking lot stressed me out. I've never seen that store with so many people in it! I was there for just a few minutes before I walked out and drove home, determined that I couldn't face it alone and that I needed Mike to go with me for moral support to do any gift shopping.
As I started cleaning up a few things around the house, the guilt was piling up on me. How could I leave all this for Mike to do with me when he was still working and I still had a few more hours before he got home? I decided I would at least try and drag myself to the grocery store so that one thing could be knocked off the weekend to-do list. I went to the Neighborhood Walmart across the street that doesn't sell anything but groceries, so it wasn't overly packed like every other store in the world. While I was there I even picked up a few gift cards thinking that could relieve some of the gift buying later. Overall, that little excursion went pretty decently, but I still felt even more drained.
When Mike got home we literally had to rush out the door immediately to get to the Desert Star for the show. Luckily it's a dinner theater so we were able to knock out eating at the same time. I have to say, the show was pretty awful! We have loved being season ticket holders there this year, but the last two shows have been really disappointing. The one saving grace of the evening was that we were there with good friends and we got to eat together. However, by the time we left, we both couldn't help feeling frustrated that we had so much to do and had spent two precious hours watching something so bad. We found ourselves snapping at each other as we headed over to Best Buy for a pickup and then to Walmart to get the last of the wrapping supplies we needed for the weekend.
Thankfully we recognized pretty quickly what was happening and both took a few deep breaths... it was 9pm and we were tired. We mentally regrouped and finished out the shopping holding hands for good measure. Thank heavens for the self checkout line! The other lines all had at least 10 people with huge, overladen carts in them, and though there were at least 10-15 people in front of us in the self check line, there were 8 registers and it moved SUPER quick.
With conscious effort we were able to cheer up and salvage the rest of the evening together and we got home in one piece. We decided that it would be better to wait on the wrapping until tomorrow and just relax and watch a Christmas movie together instead. However, when it came time to finally go to sleep, my brain started churning. That happens sometimes. I lay there thinking over things and I get a bit discouraged or depressed. In fact, when I'm THAT overtired I will admit that it's not unusual for me to start thinking about how much I suck as a wife and mother and how much better off my family would be with a real mom who doesn't have all these issues and can handle life. I work myself up in to a blubbering frenzy with feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness. Luckily I have the best hubby who always seems to know when something is wrong, even when I'm turned over in the dark and trying to quietly hold my breath to stop myself from sobbing out loud. He always takes the time to love me, no matter how tired he is, and I always manage to fall asleep more quickly snuggling in to him.
I do have moments of despair sometimes... but they almost always sneak in during the times that I am way overtired and have tried to do too much. A big part of dealing with MS is trying to plan ahead, pacing yourself and listening to your body when it's telling you to stop and sit down or take it easy. It's hard because you can feel like you are being lazy or letting people down when you can't do everything, but I am finding that it really is the only way to cope and stay sane. If you want to have less bad days...
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