I wasn't feeling up to much last night so I started flipping through the TV channels and to my great excitement found Cinderella on one of the stations, (the 2015 version with Lily James as Cinderella, my absolute favorite!) Near the end as she bravely goes down the stairs to face the prince as an "honest country girl" rather than the princess she thinks he would rather have, you hear the narrator say in the background, "This is perhaps the greatest risk any of us will ever take... to be seen as we truly are." I've heard that quote so many times, (as I do love that movie), but this is the first time it struck me so profoundly in my heart.
One of the hardest things I have struggled with the past few months is deciding how private or public I want this part of my life to be. With the exception of family, a couple of close friends and a handful of coworkers, I haven't really told many people about my MS diagnosis or what I have been going through the past year. And somehow I've actually done a pretty decent job of keeping everything pretty well hidden! I've literally only missed two days of work due to illness that were unscheduled through the entire ordeal, and that was the week of my lumbar puncture and the first day I went on to the 100% dose. Overall, I think I'm handling it pretty well!
But to be honest, I'm getting more and more tired... and I'm not talking physically here. I handle that kind of tiredness by coming home and napping, getting to bed early, taking energy vitamins, drinking some caffeine, or sleeping more on the weekends. The kind of tired I'm talking about right now is the mental exhaustion of trying to hide who I am and what I'm going through. And it's not because I want or need any help, pity or attention from anyone at all... I have the best family and friends, so I have the help I need when I need it already. What I long for is just some understanding and support when things don't go as I planned.
There are times I have to say no to doing something or going somewhere because I physically can't handle it that day. There are times I can't be outside because it is too hot and it aggravates my symptoms in major ways. There are times I can't substitute for someone in church because I'm so physically exhausted on the weekends. There are times I have to leave an event early because I've got the headache/eye pain from hell. There are times the weeds in my yard may look crappy or the dishes aren't done yet if you stop by because I've already spent all the energy I had that day on my other family or work responsibilities. I have to set limits now and pace myself to get through each day and I guess I just want the people around me to understand the reason rather than just think I'm lazy, rude, or unwilling to help.
So if you got the link to this blog or post in a message or text or are just finding out about all this in any way, congratulations! I care about you not thinking I'm just lazy, ignoring you, don't want to get together or have thrown you to the side in some way. I'm beginning to take the risk to be seen as I truly am... in baby steps and waves as my pride and ego will let me.
Will you take me as I am?
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