I rushed home from work today because I had an appointment to keep. The nurse from MS LifeLines was coming to teach me all about my new "disease-modifying" medication that should hopefully "decrease the frequency of clinical exacerbations and delay the accumulation of physical disability." In other words, it should hopefully prevent me from having so many flare ups of my MS symptoms and slow down the progression of this disease. It's my best chance of trying to live a normal life.
I had literally been sick the ENTIRE day thinking about it and had barely slept a wink the night before. Needles and me don't mix. I'm the girl they had to lay down to give shots to growing up so I didn't pass out. I'm the girl who even now can't look when they take blood. I'm the girl they still give stickers to or wrap in brightly colored gauze grip tape because they know I'm not brave. And now I'm the girl who has to take three shots a week for the rest of my life. Thank heavens my hubby was going to be able to stop home in between his visits so HE could learn and give me my first one, cause there was no way in hell I would ever be able to give myself a shot, autoinjector or not.
Except for the fact that the nurse had other plans. "I would actually like you to give yourself the first shot today." WHAT THE ?!?!?!?!?! "It will empower you."
We watched a video on the medication and how it was administered. I don't remember a lot about the video because the only thing I could think was, "um, there is absolutely no way I can do this" You want me to push a button that I know will shove a needle into me... Nope, not happening".
Next, she pulled out "practice autoinjectors" which didn't have any needles in them. Truth be told, I was so distracted with my thoughts of how I was going to get out of this that I didn't even take the cap off before pressing it to my skin and trying to click the button. Both her and the hubby laughed.
It was soon time to actually administer the shot and I looked over to my hubby with an eye pleading "bail me out here" kind of look. Nope, he wasn't having it either. (Traitor.) "You got this, you can do it", he encouraged. I later told him, "seriously, you had one job... ONE JOB!!!!"
"I have an appointment at 4:30", the hubby told me as I looked over at the clock... 4:14. Seriously? Now you are RUSHING me?
I washed my hands thoroughly, unwrapped an alcohol wipe and rubbed it against the inside of my upper arm... I had a minute longer to completely panic while it dried. (If you try and inject right after wiping it will sting apparently.) Next thing I knew the autoinjector was in my hand, pushed up against my sterilized arm, and the only thing stopping the needle from piercing through my skin was my shaking thumb on the green injector button. After what seemed like a few minutes but was most likely just a few seconds since hubby managed to get out of the house on time, I turned my head away, took a deep breath and clicked down the button. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10, I looked at it to make sure the syringe plunger had gone all the way to the bottom of the housing, then pulled it straight up and out.
Done. And if I'm honest, I really didn't feel much. The nurse had me dispose of the injector in a sharps disposal container, our newest piece of home decor, then she handed me a tissue to massage the area for a minute or two. I still can't believe I actually did it.
Hubby ran off for his appointment almost immediately after kissing me and telling me how proud he was of me, and he even sent me this cute little text a little bit later:
The nurse and I had some 1-on-1 time to chat. We talked about the medication, how I was feeling physically and emotionally, the people in my life that I am currently getting support from, available support groups, and lots and lots of other things. She is going to be my nurse for a very long time and I'm glad to say I kind of really like her.
I can also truthfully say that while today felt incredibly overwhelming, it was an particularly important day for me because it was the first day that I couldn't dismiss the reality of what I was feeling and going through. After the nurse had left and I was all alone, I curled up on my bed for a few minutes and thought to myself, "yep, this is real. I have this disease and I'm going to have to learn what to do and how to manage it. I'm going to have to learn to be stronger than I've ever been before. But right now, while there is no-one here, I'm just going to let myself cry."
MS=Mighty Strong.
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